Post by christopher on Apr 18, 2010 8:39:46 GMT -5
I don't have a journal , really I have nothing, well almost nothing anything I have right now has been generously given to me. -sighs looking at the paper he had taken from the desk in the church office biting the end of the pen it had always been hard for Chris to write he had not received much education in the orphanage just enough to function in a low level job well except when he danced just had to look good then please the customer no matter their "place" in society he had been " exposed" to all different walks of life.. putting the pen down he rubbed his arms suddenly feeling very cold as the past crept up in his mind.. reminding him that he was nothing no one some one to be used and tossed aside when he was no longer amusing. This was how he had been treated all his life.. and it had only grown worse the older he got and when he found out what he was.. he had tried to hide it but it got out -a soft noise clicked in his throat when a dark memory forced into his thoughts about the time someone had found out what he was and what they had done he never told anyone not ever he was afraid every day that they would find him again then this recent horror when he had let his fear control him sending him back to the city only to be attacked by one he had once trusted.. He did not know what Hikaru had done to stop the nightmares but he was grateful for everything he would never be able to repay all he had done. Picking up the pen again and writing in gentle script in the dimly lit room below the church-
I am afraid.. always.. but when I am near Hikaru or Izzy I feel safe protected.. I shouldn't I know sometimes.. at least with Hikaru I know what he is and like shifters he sees me as prey and though he has been kind and at time gentle with me I know there is darkness in him I saw a brief glance of. I have never offered to feed another .. in the past I was never given a choice. but with Hikaru I wanted to .. am i frightened he would hurt me no not really he said he and Ayrdyan who i only met briefly would help me.. I am scared of him of this place of the Lioness's the new dark man the one who managed to injure Hikaru .I can't believe I fainted I feel so stupid.. and when I woke up seeing Hikaru sleep as Vampires do dead to the world I was scared When I touched his face so beautiful but so cold unmoving like a statue. I wanted to stay but the irrational part of my brain had me run I feel useless like the albatross around the sailors neck. I want to help but don't know what to do. I am rambling again tired I should have left a note maybe HIkaru will be worried I mean possible right .. With this Dark one making his presence know It is not smart for me to be alone but also the Lioness's they scare me. I hate being scared I hate what I am sometimes.. but I am a Swan it wasn't my choice I was born this way abandoned by a mother and family I never knew will never know I am lost scared.. I don't want to be anymore......._______
Chris falls asleep writing the pen scratching the paper his tears dampen the page . the papers left on the cushioned table. he had been sitting on the edge of the couch so when he went to sleep he fell off the edge to the floor curled between the couch and the table.
I am afraid.. always.. but when I am near Hikaru or Izzy I feel safe protected.. I shouldn't I know sometimes.. at least with Hikaru I know what he is and like shifters he sees me as prey and though he has been kind and at time gentle with me I know there is darkness in him I saw a brief glance of. I have never offered to feed another .. in the past I was never given a choice. but with Hikaru I wanted to .. am i frightened he would hurt me no not really he said he and Ayrdyan who i only met briefly would help me.. I am scared of him of this place of the Lioness's the new dark man the one who managed to injure Hikaru .I can't believe I fainted I feel so stupid.. and when I woke up seeing Hikaru sleep as Vampires do dead to the world I was scared When I touched his face so beautiful but so cold unmoving like a statue. I wanted to stay but the irrational part of my brain had me run I feel useless like the albatross around the sailors neck. I want to help but don't know what to do. I am rambling again tired I should have left a note maybe HIkaru will be worried I mean possible right .. With this Dark one making his presence know It is not smart for me to be alone but also the Lioness's they scare me. I hate being scared I hate what I am sometimes.. but I am a Swan it wasn't my choice I was born this way abandoned by a mother and family I never knew will never know I am lost scared.. I don't want to be anymore......._______
Chris falls asleep writing the pen scratching the paper his tears dampen the page . the papers left on the cushioned table. he had been sitting on the edge of the couch so when he went to sleep he fell off the edge to the floor curled between the couch and the table.