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Post by deoridhe on Jun 8, 2010 19:36:48 GMT -5
[[ It's a jade green journal, with pretty images stamped into the cover, spiral bound. When you open the journal, it seems to be written in another language - an angular script which some might recognize as Runes. All posts are a translation of that script. ]]
Happy Rainbows,
I don't want to say dear diary at the top, because someone might use that to break my (admittedly not all that stellar) code. So instead, I'll say Happy Rainbows! I love rainbows, but I couldn't find a rainbow notebook, and this is for class anyway.
I want to use it for something useful, though, which means no one can ever read it! Maybe I'll burn it when I'm done. That sounds like a good plan, to burn it.
Bink is here, now. He's so scared... it almost scares me. Like when you meet someone and within ten minutes you kind of feel like them. Well, with him I mostly feel nervous. But not a me nervous, a different nervous. It's weird. Anyway, he's here and ...oh, he's getting up to go. I think I scared him off, which really sucks.
[[ In a larger script, different color ]]
Vampires should NOT mew.
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Post by deoridhe on Jun 9, 2010 20:51:12 GMT -5
June 7, 2010
Ugh, I've felt like I had a hangover all day, but I don't remember drinking anything. Last night is a blur after I headed over to that club. I remember that horrible French bastard saying something horrid about the weird glows I see, and heading for the bar... and then waking up this morning. Mrs. Hardcastle said that some people she didn't know brought me home, and that I was really out of it - like taking drugs out of it. She sat me down after classes and just glared and lectured and glared. Next time I come home late like that, my parents will know.
Sometimes I wish she would just get OFF my CASE, you know? I didn't do drugs! She doesn't believe me. Maybe I was slipped a roofie? Or something? I thought about getting a rape kit done, just because I can't remember anything, but I don't feel different - and wouldn't you feel it if you were raped?
Anyway, I don't feel like going back to that club. They're nice and all, and gods the music is awesome, but ...if someone slipped me something there, maybe it's a better idea to not go back. Even if the people seem really nice, maybe that's a trick? I mean, just because people seem nice, doesn't mean they are. I wish I could just believe nice people who seem nice are nice and wonderful, but I really do need to grow up and all. Fluffy dreams of the nobility of all people for ever and ever is a bit unreasonable, all the same.
[[Slightly different script, different color]]
Oh shit. I don't know what was going on, but Bink was all upset and bolted to somewhere - Loki knows where, I swear - and this pregnant lady from before was all upset, and next thing I know I'm in more pain than I've ever been in before.
At least that asshole got arrested.
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Post by deoridhe on Jun 9, 2010 21:17:29 GMT -5
June 8, 2010
I'm going back. I have to know... I mean, it's not like I can walk up to a police station and ask, "Hey, is the asshole still in jail? Any chance he'll be locked up for a while, because man that would be nice." They'd probably know at that club, though, so I'm going to be fickle and change my mind, and go back to snoop! Yes! Zoe the Spy, just like Harriet but older and... more wings.
Wouldn't it be awesome if my wings were real? I'd fly everywhere, I swear. Fly, fly, fly.
I need to sneak out, though. Mrs. Hardcastle said something about me needing a long night to do homework - but how can I do homework when this might be an asshole free night? So I'll sneak out after dinner, and when she brings up a snack she'll be mad, but as long as I'm home before midnight I can probably get away with it. She's not my mom, after all. And I am twenty-two!
[[Different color]]
Asshole not in jail. Wish I could pants him, or drop him in a well, or make him cry. I bet he can't even cry at all, asshole.
I saw Jehan, though, and Bink. OMG, Bink is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~ cute! Like, kawaii cute. Like giant boxes of pocky cute. He has a Hobbes doll, too, and I am so jealous. His Hobbes even talks. And Jehan said he thought I'd look good in, like, skimpy stuff which - OMG, I don't think I could do if you paid me. Seriously, skin tight is so not my scene. I think I'd die of blush. And then my tombstone would say, 'Here lies Zoe MacMillan, ded of blush. She coulda been a contender.' No, way too embarrassing for words.
But I've got a second opinion on the whole seeing things - well, third, really - and at least two vampires think I might not be insane. TWO OUT OF THREE VAMPIRES AGREE!! Hee hee hee. I mean, on the one hand - they're dead, so in terms of living opinions it's not much. But it's something.
Only a few more days until I can check at the Good Witch store for books. I hope they help. I don't mind the kind of pastelly stuff and clear stuff and it gives me things to look at other than vampire eyes, but it would be nice to turn it OFF, you know?
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Post by deoridhe on Jun 11, 2010 3:19:31 GMT -5
June 9, 2010
Okay, now I'm just confused.
I saw that asshole again. I'd headed for the club to get my necklace - I left so fast last night I forgot it - and I ran across the asshole. Looking like a mess. Blood on his face, looking like someone had ripped him apart inside. I mean, how could I not help him, like that? I'm sure he'll be an asshole again tomorrow, but isn't part of being a nice person taking care of people when they're down?
So I did, but that meant I didn't get my necklace. So, another evening without what Izzy says I need to keep me safe. I don't have any beads left to make another one, so maybe I'll go and just buy some cheap cross tomorrow, even if it feels weird to wear a simple of a god I don't worship. I have an extra valknut... maybe I can put it on the chain?
Stupid vampires and their stupid rules. Somehow it's harder to remember them when you're out among the wild vampires, than when they're all safely locked up in books. I'll go and get the necklace tomorrow night, maybe dance a bit, then go home. I bet if I'm careful I can have an only-vampires-at-a-distance evening!
Ganbatte!
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Post by deoridhe on Jun 12, 2010 15:13:08 GMT -5
June 12, 2010
Now I'm just confused. Flattered, but confused, and concerned and... life is pretty complicated.
I woke up late yesterday, kicked around the house a while enjoying my first real day of vacation, and headed to the club later just for fun. I wasn't going to drink - just dance and have fun and enjoy myself, and practice the whole "don't look in peoples' eyes" thing at the same time. It doesn't seem to come easy to me; I never realized before recently that I look at peoples' faces and their eyes so much!
Anyway, the plan work out really well, kind of until the end.
I know people lie. I mean, that's sort of expected. People include vampires, which means vampires lie, and while there are a lot of vampire groupies I would guess some vampires lie to get snax. Lie, kill... all kinds of things. My text books are full of cases of the vampires who have had to be put down due to violating the laws, the ones who liked to hurt other people, and on and on. They even have their own serial killer section. Now granted, non-vampire people are really really good at killing each other all on our own, but if I remember the percentages right they're a lot more likely to kill a bunch of us than we are.
And in there, there must be lies, and tricks, and kind of ...grooming people, right? Ugh, that's pedophile language, and I feel icky just using it, but. But but but.
My mind says it's idiotic to feel safe around vampires. Like, stupid times infinity. And I certainly don't feel safe around all of them... but two... I'm kind of getting there... and it scares me. At least, it scares the brain part of me. The rest of me seems to be perfectly comfortable with it, which scares the head part of me even more.
Times like this, I wish Diana was still around. That I could talk to her. She understood everything with Master, reassured me I wasn't nuts, but I doubt she'd have the same reaction here. Well, I don't know, maybe she would? At least then I'd have someone to talk to about it all, get a second opinion. If I told Mrs. Hardcastle anything about any of this I'd be in a car and headed for my parent's house - and a possible locked facility - faster than I could spin around. They're already twitchy 'cause of the other stuff going on. This would be the nail in the coffin, so to speak.
And part of me wonders if this is just the death wish in another guise. I'm too much of a coward to actually slit my wrists, or take a pile of pills, or jump off a building, but death by another person... you hear about cops getting burnt out and going that way, or teenagers getting depressed and going that way. Could this just be more of the same? A death wish dressed up in pretty clothes and soft voices? There are definitely days when I don't want to be inside my skin anymore, when I sit on my bed listening to my own heartbeat and wondering if it could ever be possible for it to stop, tracking being alive when Diana isn't. Being alive without her. Making friends without her. Moving on, going to classes, smiling at people, making nice-nice, and all without my best friend around. I recently stopped thinking of her every day - it felt like I'd been the one who killed her when I realized that, which is so nuts. I know I didn't, but still, it feels like I should be living for her instead of moving on.
And I know on that one, if she was here, she'd laugh a little, and shake her head at me, and give me a hug. But she isn't here.
Wish Mrs. Hardcastle hadn't thrown out all the booze.
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Post by deoridhe on Jun 14, 2010 16:41:01 GMT -5
6/14/10
Ugh, my head feels like crap. I've had hangovers, but this is by far the worst I've felt waking up, bar none, ever. It feels like someone crawled into my head and laid about with a hammer, and I've got what almost looks like a heat rash on my chest.
Fuck me.
I don't know what I should have done last night. On the one hand... existing threat. On the other hand, I'm pretty cure that the cute Cajun boy... what was his name again? I'm pretty sure he wasn't willing. The look in his eyes, like no one was home. The way he screamed. That's not... willing people don't act like that, do they? His dead, blank eyes, like everything that made him HIM was wiped away.
I knew it was stupid to stick around, but I just couldn't make a different choice - and thinking back on it, even with everything that happened after (I am very, very lucky I didn't get mugged, or worse, on my way home) I can't imagine making a different choice. But I also know that choice was hugely idiotic. I mean, it's not like I'm some powerful person who can actually go up against a VAMPIRE [underlined twice]. I'm just a dumbass human weakling. And so was Cyrus... that was his name, Cyrus. And his friend. Three dumbass human weaklings. I've no idea how we managed to survive, to be honest. After Cyrus' friend grabbed him, [lines become shaky] I thought we were all toast; rip me apart and then go after the two of them.
I don't think I've ever been that scared.
Staying under my covers and refusing to come out is looking really good, right about now.
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Post by deoridhe on Jun 19, 2010 16:28:18 GMT -5
[[The next page is covered in words, cross outs, arrows pointing from one line to in between two others, and other signs of a while spent rearranging words. On the next page, this fair recopy of the previous page's mess is written. ]]
June 18, 2010
Heartbeat thrumming Bodies turning Senses rising Voices stilling Fingers tying Wonder rising Moving forward Anticipating CRACK
Heartbeat racing Bodies twitching Senses swirling Voices urging Fingers binding Hipbones rising Eyes enjoining Fever crying Caught aloft, then CRACK
Heartbeat sobbing Bodies dropping Senses grasping Voices gasping Fingers hiding Eyes entrancing Bloodlines dripping Racing passions World receding STOP
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Post by deoridhe on Jun 21, 2010 4:19:03 GMT -5
June 20, 2010
So much has happened... I'm not sure what to write anymore. It's all sort of washing together in a blur. The curse, the curse being cured, finding out it was Cirus - it all seems like a bad dream. Cirus' reaction, and the mess he was in... a nightmare. And then to find out Hikaru got injured helping Blade against Cirus...
Hikaru said he thought Cirus was mad because Hikaru punished Remiel. A bunch of what Hikaru was punishing Remiel for... I brought to his attention - and in the last case wrongly, since Cirus is his Pomme de Sang and Blade is apparently a vampire feeder of long standing, given he went home with one tonight. I feel like such a child, being afraid of vampires and worried about the whole... bite thing and the teeth and... I dropped a glass today, startled from seeing a vampire, and I feel like such a child. Everyone else seems to take it all so much more calmly than I do.
I'm not sure if I want to take it calmly or not.
Misty trusts the vampire Blade left with. I trust Hikaru and Jehan. Bink trusts Aydryan, too, though I hardly know him to trust him.
Is it foolish to trust? Or foolish to not?
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Post by deoridhe on Jul 18, 2010 1:07:20 GMT -5
7/17/10
I should move. Leave. It's running away, but ... suicide from vampire would hurt a lot.
Mom and Dad will be SO pissed I want to move again.
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