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Post by serenityterasaur on Jun 12, 2010 5:36:12 GMT -5
((Since I Will Be Gone OOCly in RL For Ten Days Due To My Boyfriend Coming For A Visit, I Won't Be Able To RP Much If At All...And With Ser's Latest Drama She Wouldn't Be Leaving Her Room Anyways...So Tada! She Has Been Writing Daily Instead...Enjoy....))
((For Rhage - If She Goes Into Ser's Room The Notebook Is Semi-Hidden (not very well!) Underneath Her Clothes Hamper....No One Said She Was Smart Right Now >.>))
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Do I really need to say "Dear Diary"? Is it required? Because I really don't think I can manage writing that silly phrase day after day...I mean, come on...I'm depressed...not in kindergarten. There. I admitted it. Depressed. It's such an ugly word, Dee Preesssseed. Hmm. What does it mean? It means that my life is fucked. I lost my child...my mate...my mind it feels like. I'm not hungry...tired...I don't care about anything except sleeping. Sleep is good. You can forget while you are sleeping...unless the nightmares come...which they do, more and more lately. Some are of the clinic....some when the leopard Jasper kidnapped and attempted to kill me. Most are of Jared. Seeing what they did to him in the clinic which at the moment I don't feel too bad about anymore since he was hired to kill me and my family...would he have gone through with it? Was he hired before we got together or after? When? Why? Who? All these questions and not one single answer. I could ask him, if I could find him...but would he tell the truth? Would he try to kill me there? I'll never know...because I will never speak to him again. I loved him more than anyone else except for my twin of course....and he hurt me....now I have to keep Rhage from going to find and kill him herself...she is determined, I knew she would be, but I think the only thing keeping her from doing it is knowing what I won't admit out loud....I still love him.
((There are tear drops all over the page, wrinkling it in some spots...no signature.))
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Post by serenityterasaur on Jun 13, 2010 2:33:31 GMT -5
The pain is still there...both physically as well as mentally. I keep thinking that I will wake up and I'll still be pregnant, Jared sleeping by my side...Rhage cooking in the kitchen and humming to some ungodly song so loudly that I'd have to hollar at her to shut up. Normal. Nothing is normal anymore. Jared isn't here...his side of the bed is ice cold...my belly is empty...flattening already...I wasn't that big to begin with really. Two months is hardly very long. My mind can't wrap around the recent events. Rhage keeps trying to get me to eat...bathe...I give in because if I don't she'll probably nag until my ears bleed...and because even depressed I cannot stand to be dirty. When I shift its wolf first...I can barely stand to see myself...I look like him as a wolf...all tan-ish blond...though my fur is shorter, prettier...I guess it comes with being a female. It's hard to sleep now...the nightmares come often and vary...all are about Jared now. I won't speak, not even to Rhage...it frustrates her I think...though I shouldn't be upsetting her...not while she is pregnant with the twins. She's lucky.
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Post by serenityterasaur on Jun 14, 2010 4:15:51 GMT -5
...I don't know what to write anymore other than...this should be interesting.
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Post by serenityterasaur on Jun 16, 2010 16:20:04 GMT -5
I slept on the floor last night. What the hell was I thinking? Wood floors were not meant to be slept on, especially while being curled up in a ball while wearing a very tiny dress. Ugh. When I stood up this morning I was disoriented, sore, and there were lines all over my body from the splits in the wood...I looked ridiculous. Oh well, what's one night? And I was upset anyways. Upset, yeah, seething with envy is more like it. It seems the Terasaur twins have switched places, before it was I who was happy and in love...always smiling and sneaking off to spend time with...him. Now it's Rhage, though I'm fairly certain she doesn't know just how in love with Gage she has become. Is it bad that I hate them for it? Yes I suppose it is...and I'm sure it will pass, I'm just upset from recent events, but still...no one understands how bad it hurts me to watch them together. They don't do the traditional cutesy couple things, hell they don't even spend -that- much time together....but it's there between them when they are actually together, you can almost see it the air is so thick with their feelings...Rhage's anyways, I can't read Gage enough to find out how he feels. Part of me wonders if he does actually have feelings for my sister or if he is just the same old "lion" type male...I mean he IS technically married to Gail and still managed to sleep with my twin, not to mention he was quite flirty and hands on last night...though it could have been my imagination. Maybe I wanted him to flirt with me, to prove that I was still worth something...but even the new pretty boy Ash had that look in his eyes, that look of fear when one thinks the jealous boyfriend will beat his ass...with the way Gage was holding me back I could see how one could assume he was my mate. But he's not, he's my sister's. My mate is gone, I don't know where he went...if he even thinks about me...I doubt it...I said some pretty harsh things to him without getting his side of the story. Was he really hired to kill my family and myself? Or was it just the sleepy ramblings of a stressed man? It didn't occur to me at the time that people dream random things...I have had countless dreams of killing my sister in my life, they never meant anything, I'd never hurt her purposefully...she means everything to me. Speaking of Rhage, she's been uncharacteristically quiet towards me lately...I mean, I know I haven't exactly been forthcoming myself, but that had never kept Rhage from charging full steam ahead to get me to talk. I feel like she's hiding something...though I don't know what. I watch her sometimes, when she isn't paying attention...her belly is getting much bigger, quickly...I'm kind of jealous, I won't lie...I lost my child and she gets two...it seems almost unfair, though I know it isn't her fault. I don't understand my emotions...the jealousy and anger...it isn't like me..not at all. What am I going to do?
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Post by serenityterasaur on Jul 11, 2010 16:16:28 GMT -5
So much has happened since I last wrote...I forgot about you journal, only just remembered I had you when my fingers itched with the feeling to write. I had to sneak back into the Pride House to find you...which turned out to be a breeze since no one was home. I haven't seen nor spoken to my sister for two days now. Though I should start way before current day.
It was about two weeks ago now, the full moon...I was drunk, lonely...he gave me attention...he was...sweet. Blade. That's his name. We left the bar a tangle of arms and legs...kissing, nipping, teasing...he was...gentle. I hardly remember gentle...gentle is not what my beasts wanted...but it was attention nonetheless. I took him to the cave behind the waterfall, was going to take him to THE cave...the one Jared and I had shared...where I had lost my virginity...but somehow I felt it would be blasphemous. Does that make any sense? So I took him behind the waterfall...we had sex obviously...it was...good, sweet...but it wasn't what I had needed. Doesn't matter though, with the combination of the horrid Sweet Xtacy drink and the full moon, I shifted...I clawed and bit him to get away...didn't actually attack him. Now we wait. It's always a waiting game. Will he shift come the next full moon? I got into trouble with Gage and Rhage...though not as much as I would have figured seeing as it was the second human I have potentially infected in three months. For awhile I was sad again...thought about sending myself to a containment cell. I got over that quickly. Blade and I have had sex two other times since then...it's always the same...gentle...it feels good but it isn't raw...powerful...it isn't what I need. My wolf rejects him....knew that was coming. My lioness is unintereted in him...even with the possibility of him becoming a lion...he'd still be too weak to be a suitable match for my picky beast. Ugh.
So...present day...well, two days ago anyways. Blade has this friend, a timid fox...Arion. He was shifted and came to the house to find Blade, was terrified. Blade kept him over night.....I think it drove a wedge between us since I had told him no...he whined, begged...my beasts don't like weak men. Anyways, the night after I was home, about to go out, there was pounding on the front door. The fox. Arion in human form was covered in blood, not his, frightened. He rushed into the room, clung to me, soiled my pretty clothes with his frightened smelling sweat and the blood. I was going to turn him out but then he submitted....a fox....submitted to me. It was odd, but I felt protective of the sweet boy. Rhage did not seem amused however. She threatened him, told him she would hunt and kill him if he didn't answer her questions. I stood against her...not the first time that has happened...but it ended badly this time. I walked out...left the Pride...left my title as Second in Command...left Rhage. I took Arion to a hotel, told him he could stay with me.
Now...present day. No word from Gage in a week...no word from Blade in three days...no word from Rhage in two days. Have they all turned their backs on me finally? I assume so. I have been staying in the hotel. Went to see Talion, the wolf Ulfric the day before. Asked to be allowed to join his pack...I AM a wolf afterall. He's "thinking" about it...right...I'm sure he will tell me no. If he does....well....he will regret it.
So. You would think nothing else could happen right? Wrong. There is this guy...Taranis...he's another fox, but a dominant one. He is intoxicanting...intriguing...interesting. He's been hanging with the wolves, that's how I met him. He's a terrible flirt with a Scottish accent that is so damn sexy. I brought him to my hotel room...after he kissed me at the bar! Is this wrong? He's in the bathroom now, but I think he is coming out...I'll write more tomorrow...
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